Purpose of this blog
It took me about 5 months of writing weekly blog posts to get to this one. You see it as the first post of the blog, but it wasn’t created first. I wanted to take some time to figure it out.
I’m a Couples Counsellor and I’m very passionate about my work. I love it. Over the years I gathered quite a collection of tools that work. They worked for me, they worked for hundreds of couples I worked with, they worked for thousands of the event participants I had a privilege to share them with.
I want to share them with you. The tools and tips and tricks for a successful relationship.
My hope is that you can find something you can use right away. I know it’ll make a difference.
Not every tool will work for everyone and it’s ok. Find what works for you. There’s no such thing as one size fits all approach. What works for one person might not work for another, and sometimes we learn by trial and error.
The tools might feel weird and awkward at first. Some might feel too structured. Some not structured enough. They are not meant to be tried once and put away. They are meant to be practiced.
You get better and better, just like the more you practice the better you get at playing the piano or learning another language or learning to work with mechanical tools. It becomes natural, it becomes easy and you get better and better at relationships.
You get better and better at communicating. It doesn’t meant you’ll be never get into a fight, we are humans, we get triggered, we wake up in a bad mood, we get stressed, we misunderstand each other, we get hurt…. It happens. What makes a difference is your turn around time and your repair skills.
You start getting into a fight, things start to escalate but instead of a full blown battle, you learn to slow down, to stop, maybe even to walk away if needed - KNOWING that you’ll come back, talk about it and fix it.
If you weren’t able to slow down, and it did become a big fight - you know how to reset, come back and heal what needs to be healed, fix what needs to be fixed. You repair in a way that you can trust. Not putting a band aid on a wound and hope it’ll go away. You do the work. Your repair makes it even stronger, so it doesn’t come back every time you have a fight.
In fact, you find freedom from a repeated cycle when you fight about the same thing over and over again. That’s exhausting. If that’s what’s happening to you, please know that you both are doing your best, but you don’t have the tools and the skills to tackle the problem you are dealing with.
I talked about turn around time - for many couples what happens after a fight is a silent treatment. For some, it’s not even a punishment, it’s that both people are shut down, withdrawn, maybe scared to say anything. Scarred from the battle. Some just don’t know how to fix what just happened. They try and get right back into the same argument. It becomes so painful it’s easier not to try.
Some try to fix things with a quick apology, but it doesn’t last. The next time the same triggers get pushed, and you get into the same fight.
Imagine your turn around time to be minutes instead of hours, hours instead of days.
Imagine trusting that you can talk about anything with your partner, that even in most challenging conversations you can be heard, understood, respected. Imagine having no withholds, no secrets - because you know how to bring them up and how to talk about them.
We all want to be heard and understood. Normally in a fight we have two people talking and no one is being heard.
The skills that every successful couple have
Ways to deal with conflict that works for them
Ways to repair and ways to reconnect
Ability to heal the past hurts
Ability to have difficult conversations
Trust in each other and your strength as a couple
Ability to handle your differences, your need for autonomy, your sovereignty
Ways to grow as a couple as well as individuals
A way of strengthening Intimacy (sexual, non sexual, emotional, spiritual …)
There’s more of course.
For each point I want to add - that works for you and your partner. Some couples can handle big loud intense fights, and their make up sex is amazing. It might not work for you. For some that level of intensity feels abusive and no sex is going to happen until nervous system has a chance to calm down and relax and feel safe again. You need to learn this about each other, you need to be willing to work at it, to set each other up for success.
So that’s my ambition - to keep writing and sharing the tools that will help us, all of us, have strong, safe, fulfilling relationships. I think the world needs it.
Use at your own risk. Take personal responsibility. Thread carefully.
Start with kindness and compassion and empathy. Towards yourself and others.
Your use of this website indicates your understanding and agreement with the following:
The tools work, although you might need more support than a blog post can offer. Seek help of a counsellor or a therapist. We do not and cannot guarantee any particular results or outcomes from using information offered on this website, as your results depend on your individual situation, motivation and actions as well as numerous other factors.
We are not here to offer medical or mental health advice. I can only share the tools. I can’t offer advice, diagnosis or treatment. Not knowing your situation and history, it’s simply not possible.
The information presented here is meant for educational purposes only and not as a replacement for counselling or a substitute for any type of therapist-client relationship.
Some of the blog posts here are my personal options and musings.
This website includes links to other websites for informational purposes only. We do not guarantee or endorse the products, services or information offered there.
You agree to use the information presented on this website at your own risk, with no liability on our part. When in doubt, consult with your doctor, mental health practitioner or a relationship counsellor.