Energy of inspiration or how I became a counsellor
Sometimes I wonder, how do we become inspired, and why are we inspired by the things we are inspired by?
I wasn't always a counsellor. Graduating from high school (or even from university), I couldn't imagine working with people. I didn't know who I was, I couldn't imagine helping others figure it out.
I chose to go to school to study what I was good at - math. I got my Masters in Applied Math and Physics. Not being quite sure what I can do with that (I knew I didn't want to teach) I eventually discover a passion for software development. I was inspired to learn and try new things, I felt a great sense of satisfaction from writing a good piece of code. I loved my work. I worked with great people. I was happy to wake up in the morning and go to work. I was determined to have a good carrier in this field. For a few years I was on fire.
And then I lost it. Too many years in a corporate environment that wasn’t fulfilling. I stopped taking risks, I stopped going after projects that I’d have loved to work on. I had many excuses. I had young kids, I was tired, I didn’t want to start a new job or a new contract where I’d have to prove myself again. I wanted comfort. And comfortable I became. Too comfortable. It turned out that where there’s too much comfort - there’s no growth, and when there was no growth and no challenge, inspiration started to fade.
After a while, I started to feel suffocated. I had a very secure and a very well paid job. But I was lacking purpose, meaning, or any sense of contribution. And at the same time, as my own journey was unfolding, I realize the corporate world was lacking authenticity, heart, vulnerability - the things that were becoming increasingly more and more important to me.
My heart was opening and my soul was yearning for more.
It’s at that point I decided to go on a quest, to figure out what I was meant to do with my life. My job? That couldn’t be it. I wanted to make a difference, and I felt like the only difference I was making was when people could come to my office, close the door, and talk to me, and be real. I thought they felt heard and understood, and I thought they left a bit lighter than when they first came in. But I wasn’t getting paid to do that, was I? I was paid to write code.
Looking back - the writing on the wall was so clear. People would talk to me about being gay but not being able to be who they are at work. People would talk to me about relationship troubles, their fears and struggles. I was already doing counselling even when I had no idea what it was.
I had no clue of what else I could do with my life.
And so I searched. I thought - maybe I could go back to school and become an accountant. Ahahahahahaha. I’m so glad I didn’t. I’m so glad I waited for a real inspiration to come, not just something that I thought would be a secure career (nothing wrong with accounting - except that I’m the worst person to do it and I’d be completely miserable doing it.)
So I spent about 6 months searching. I didn’t know what my purpose was, so finding a purpose became my purpose.
Some new age books suggest that it’s a masculine quest. A hero’s journey. That it is essential for men, but that feminine folk don’t need a purpose quite as much, they are more focused on love, connection, family. I laugh at that notion. What does that have to do with gender? I had a family and love and connections, and I knew I needed more. At that stage of my life, I was hungry for it. I couldn’t continue the way things were before. I was loosing myself.
It wasn’t easy. I felt miserable a lot of the time, and cranky. I thought maybe a promotion at work would be the answer, so I spend time and money doing some upgrading - for something I had no talent and no passion for. Even though it was a dead end, I think it was important. Even if I was going in the wrong direction, at least I was moving. It’s not that I regret it, I just wish I had more trust and patience that the answers will come.
Because when they came, there was no more doubts, there was no stopping me now.
The answer came in the shower. Of course! All the best ideas….
Out of the blue, it became completely clear to me, that I was meant to share what I was learning on my healing journey with others.
Of course, I thought, what else would I rather do? How could I not see it when it was here all along.
At that point in life I was going through massive period of growth and transformation. What started with sexual healing of the past trauma, started me on a journey of discovering my heart, my creativity, my intuition, my vulnerability. See, I was completely disconnected from my body, my emotions, my feminine energy. I was all mind and logic, I was living with my heart closed and didn’t even know it. But it was all changing, and with the new change, no wonder I didn’t fit in with the corporate culture anymore.
I was on fire again. Once my purpose became clear - I knew I was gonna go for it no matter what. I sought professional training. I travelled and trained with amazing people. I had no idea HOW I was going to do it, I just knew that I would.
A shy and introverted being, I was so passionate about this work that I started offering events and workshops - and to my complete surprise it grew an extraordinary community. Within the next 10 years I have shared my passion and heart with thousands of people, hosting hundreds of various events.
I very hesitantly opened the door to my first clients - I worried whether I knew enough, whether I could help, whether I could trust myself - but I had great mentors along the way, who supported me and helped me see that I was ready, that I needed to learn to trust, that there was only one way to get better - it was to start. And I did.
I found my inspiration. I would wake up inspired every day, eager to see what that day will bring.
It took me 2 years to transition out of my old career and to know that I can support myself and the kids with this new work. It took me a lot longer to get grounded in it, to find my own way.
I started my work focusing on sacred sexuality, sexual healing and Neo-Tantra, I shifted to love and relationship coaching, then to counselling, then to spirituality, then to psychology. I reinvented myself a few times along the way. The more I learned, the more passionate I became.
I made so many mistakes. I felt like I made all of them. I got stuck many a time, I rode the emotional rollercoaster from feeling elated and on top of the world to feeling like I’ll never figure it out - but I was never not inspired. I never lost the energy that was guiding me.
And I did A LOT of training. Did I say I was passionate about it? Everything I could learn about relationships, sexuality, spirituality, trauma, neuroscience, human body and human soul - what makes it work? I wanted to know. And the moment I learned something, I wanted to share it with others. And so I did - new workshops, classes, deeper one on one work followed.
Now, 10 years later, I’m not the same person who I was when I started. I have zero regrets, even though there are many things I’d do very differently - but that can only come with experience, and I feel like I’ve earned it.
I feel lucky to be able to experience this passion. I feel privileged to live life of inspiration. I’m grateful I could create the life and work that is in a deepest alignment with my heart, soul and spirit.
Where did that come from? I don’t really know, but I sure am grateful.