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Dyads


Today, I want to write about my very favorite communication tool: DYADS

The word 'Dyad' is from the Greek (duad) and Latin (dyas, dyadis) roots - meaning two units treated as one.



Many people use dyads as a communication tool. It looks like this:


2 people, sitting in front of each other, A speaking partner and a listener.


We start with a question - maybe something as simple as “tell me something about your day”, maybe a little deeper “tell me how your soul is doing”. The question can be specific - “Tell me about a goal you have for yourself” or open “Tell me something you want me to know”


The dyad is not a back and forth discussion/conversation. The listener asks a question and the responder shares freely; There is no dialogue.


Normally we listen to respond. We are listening for a point and the moment we think we’ve got it, we are basically waiting for our turn to respond and share what we think about what we just heard.


There is an analyzer part of our brain that’s always on.


“I agree/I disagree” “I agree - this is good.” “ I disagree - this is bad” And on and on it goes. At that point, we usually stop listening and are waiting to respond ourselves, because …well, what about me. When will I get a chance to share or to offer my opinion.


In dyads, we listen to understand, completely and deeply. We practice and train that analyzer part of our brain to slow down, to be present.


It’s not about me, or my turn, whether I agree or not. I’m here with only one intention - to understand what my partner is saying.


The listening partner DOES NOT respond, DOES NOT offer their opinion or advice.


And when their partner is finished sharing, the listener simply says “Thank you”. NOTHING MORE.

Thank You means, I got it, and thank you also means - thank you for sharing with me.


And then they switch.


Now it’s the speaking partner’s turn to ask the question and listen, and the listening partner’s turn to respond.


The new sharer does not respond to what was just shared, he/she answers the same question from their heart, anew.


Often dyads are timed, so everyone has equal amount of time to share.


If the topic is very charged you might start with a minute each, and repeat a few times.


If you just want to connect with a friend or a partner after not seeing them for a while, you might give everyone 10 minutes so they can share freely.


You’ll find what works best for you.


It's authentic and vulnerable and real. It creates a deeper understanding and relating between people.


Sometimes it’s pretty magical. Sometimes there’s a sense of unity.


Sometimes we are afraid to really understand another person because we think if we understand that would mean they won, or that we have to agree with them.


But it’s not about that. It’s about our basic precious human needs to be heard, seen, understood and respected.


It’s from that space we then can have a conversation, work on common goals, or agree to disagree, respecting each other.


I have friends who I don’t see every often. When we get together, we do a few rounds of dyads before we switch to a social conversation.


Dyads are brilliant tool for couples - it can also a dangerous tool.


Speaking partner - when sharing with the listener, remember, you are talking about yourself. This is not an opportunity to lash out at your partner.


Refrain from saying the word “you”, refrain from criticism, defensiveness, contempt.


Your intention is to get your share across to your partner; How it is to be you, in this moment, in relationship with them.


Listening partner - your job is to honour what is being shared, and not to use it against you partner.


This is not about you…this is about them. Your job is to be fully present in the share; To hear your partner fully and completely, without judgement, without a response. “thank you - I hear you, I understand.


This practice is very intentional, it creates a sacred space.


Dyads can be done in triads, groups.


It can be you having a dyad with the Universe.


At Enlightenment intensives the dyads are use to ponder questions like “Tell me who you are” or “Tell me what life is” (there is more to it than I talked about here, this might be a topic for another post in the future)


You make it yours and make it a practice.



Examples of Dyad questions:


Tell me something you feel in your heart


Tell me something about you you would like me to know


Tell me something about you you think others don’t get.


Tell me something that’s important to you.


Tell me about a goal you have for yourself


Tell me something you need/Tell me something you want (Ask one question after another, and only then switch partners)


Tell me how you want to be loved

Tell me how you want to love


Tell me something you love about me


Tell me something about (our family, relationship, sex, intimacy, work, health, money, parenting) you would like me to know


Tell me something about you and money that you need me to understand.


Tell me something you think we agree on


Team how how you need to be supported


Tell me something that is very important to our relationship.


Tell me what I need to know in order to understand that completely.


In Enlightenment Intensive workshop dyads are used to ponder ancient question (coming from Zen Koans). The goal there is not to come up with a logical answer, but to experience it directly. (that’s a topic for a different conversation)

Tell me who you are.

Tell me what you are.

Tell me what another is.

Tell me what life is.

Tell me what love it.



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