April 2022 Relationship Challenge - Self Responsibility Month

April was a Self Responsibility month. Accountability. Taking responsibility after a fight (being able to own my part in it, apologizing, taking responsibility for a quick repair). Self responsibility for my feelings and emotions. Taking responsibility for my needs and wants. Noticing my projections. Noticing that when I’m unhappy, tired, hungry, and especially when I am sleep deprived, I have a tendency to let it spill onto others, instead of being able to take care of me.

I wish I had some glorious results to report. I’m procrastinating writing this post, because it’s time for self accountability, vulnerability and honesty - and if I’m honest, it turned out to be so much harder than I thought.

I gave it a fair try. The easiest time was when Rick was away :) Yup, when there’s no one around, I’m good.

The hardest time for me is when I’m sleep deprived. I find myself extremely irritable, and I have the hardest time holding it in. I find faults with everything (and everyone). I also get very discouraged. After a good night sleep, everything I complained about is suddenly looking not so bad.

Part of my challenge was to be able to own it. I was mostly successful with that, but I was not successful with being able to prevent it in the first place.

I mean I would hold it in 4 times, and on the 5th time I’d lose it. Rick had to practice a lot of patience. For some reasons, he's able to exercise patience a lot easier than me. I'm jealous.

By the end of the month I felt like I was loosing the battle and stopped trying. For a few days. I knew this time will come, in any change there are some low points, but I also knew I am committed. To self discovery, to practicing, to learning and growing.

I'm learning just how hard it is sometimes to be able to take a deep breath before speaking up. I'm learning how emotional I can be, and I'm trying to learn how to be with my emotions in a way that's not injurious to others. I'm learning that it's true when they say your relationship is your spiritual path.

As a counsellor, I’m giving my clients homework suggestions all the time. I can’t not be willing to try something out myself. Also when I say I know how hard it is, I mean it. I know. None of it is easy. Relationships are not easy. If they were, I wouldn’t even have a job. Actually that would be really nice. I’d figure out something else to do (teach meditation and self compassion), but relationships on the planet would be easy and harmonious and fulfilling and joyous. I’d sign up for that.

May is an interesting month. Differentiation. It’s a tough concept and I admit, I’m very intrigued but also a bit worried about it. Wish me luck.